It is still an unwelcome surprise, the wave of pain when driving I hear someone discuss her soulmate of 33 years. The warrior queen counsels that I appreciate the 8 years, and I do, just as I feel the weaving between myself and my archangel growing.
But today I feel the sharpness of it over again. I feel like a schoolgirl in some drama, pining over some youth. San.
It has surprised both myself and the warrior queen how much we agree on some things in this. In the past it would have been war, I think. But this time it is not. She has many faults, but the ones of which she is accused are not accurate in my view. Of course there it is, my view.
San wrote there was love but no understanding on both sides. Likely he was right, but the difference is that I sought it, and I know, from this inside, that the warrior queen did as well. How often we asked and explained; how many times we sought to read and understand…and then were called names for the both.
But also respect for me as wife and queen, soulmate and beloved. And for her, as wife and love. And while there does not need to be relationships at all times – just as with this husband there are not – there always needs to be respect.
I am truly of two minds on this. Sometimes I am angry and certain he used me. Sometimes I sorrow and I am certain it is a tragedy. I was both, when I read he wished to stay married yet never see each other again. How could he think this acceptable, as though nothing in the next 20, 30, 40 years would require communication and understanding; as though our marriage were nothing but air. And yet, in some matters, I know what it is he meant. But no, it is not acceptable to me, to leave me. If he had come to me and said beloved, I am sorry but I think we must part; how shall we do it? That is a marriage, a work together. But to leave a note on the door, that is not.
Ah well, the musings of the deluded. One writer said all happy families are the same, but I think heartbroken writings are equally tedious.