On a site the warrior queen frequents from time to time, where breakups such as mine and San’s – one day to the good, the other gone – are frequently discussed there was a thread concerning “imaginary conversations,” where one thinks thoughts to one’s prior beloved. It was discussed this is not uncommon, due in part to human nature and in part to the nature of the abruptness of the end, but it is not healthy. So there was a suggestion to write in this format. I thought perhaps I would try it, since I do find San in my thoughts often.
If you were forced to limit that conversation to these six feelings (Love, Joy, Surprise, Anger, Sadness and Fear) words and six statements (no questions) what would you have said to gain closure?
Love: You wrote me in your final mail that you loved me, but this treatment of me, as if our love had no relation to your behaviour or your lack of willingness to try for me, is what out of everything has forced me to question the nature of our love, a force I had believed to be beyond everything, and a question I still ask myself, for my love has never abated nor, I think ever will, and that is one of the things that pains me the most.
Joy: All our time together was for me a joy and our children the greatest joy of all; that you give both up is incomprehensible, but I am glad to find that the joy in life continues even so.
Surprise: There is no way to capture the surprise of all your actions in leaving in a single statement, for they have made me question you in a way I never did before that December and it remains perhaps one of the greatest and least welcome surprises of my life.
Anger: I have been angry and my anger still rises when Avalon weeps at the loss of you, or when I consider how you took the way I welcomed your return and treated me and your children ever worse in a second leaving with again no discussion or respect; as I have said it makes me feel the whore.
Sadness: I grieve every day at the loss of you for myself and our children, but I am even sadder for you and yours, that you chose to read anger and hatred where there was pain and confusion, that you chose to be untruthful at many turns and that some among you chose to paint our relationship black and exaggerate our faults where I remember, and I do remember, all the times at which even in the grave difficulties we turned to each other to be heard in a way no one else had heard us before; it makes me question whether you ever were capable at all of understanding both the gift I gave you and the gifts you gave me; it seems you have spun gold into lead.
Fear: I fear for myself that I will continue to grieve and miss what is before me, and I fear a little that it will embitter our children’s hearts against all you could have given them had you chosen a different path in the leaving.
What I find is missing in the question is hope. So I add it.
Hope: I hope for the best for you even in the face of understanding that you perceived what I saw as true love, true understanding, and true pain shared as false and ill-willed; there are many different sorts of people in the world and while I am still convinced you are unlikely to find someone who loves you more than I have, I hope you will find someone who will love you in a way that you are able to enjoy the more; for myself I hope that I will, as it is said, get over you because not being over you is very painful to me.