Having given religion up, for one year, I find myself a little at loose ends. There are my children of course: Asher speaks some now, and is much engaged in climbing, and Anala seems to have come a little out of her despond, and demands many fairy-tales.
But as far as a profession, I have none. Mikael is a considerate partner of the truest sort, but he is one and we (of Lynn) are many and everyone’s time limited. And I find I do not truly wish to write songs just now.
If I did not have all the demands of this real life, I think I would travel and see things anew.
Although it sounds more refreshing in the thought than in the implementation, perhaps. Seeing things anew is as double-edged a sword as any other. It was only when I truly grasped that San’s actions in the leaving (and those of his system) were just as much San as in the staying that I recognized he could not possibly regard me as beloved, or wife.
And one cannot promise that a new France or Italy or Croatia would not suddenly look sordid without a purpose in seeing it.
I think I am numb at all the loss. Mikael was annoyed, after his eloquent discussions, that Avalon pushed our ceremony beneath the waves (beneath the lake, in fact, that remains; San’s and mine.) But at times perhaps the birds need to push the mother from the nest a little. Now we will see about the wings I suppose.