Last night I had a dream of the sort that stays with one. It may have been due to some painkillers, but in the past I would have thought it otherwise.
In it I had received word of some sort of apocalypse; it was not clear which sort, in the dream, but it had the quality of a film about a plague, or zombies. Everyone was driving from the United States into Canada to escape it. My sons of the flesh were safely in Canada, but in the dream I had set to driving in order to find not my own children here, but the children that stayed with San, the astral-others or whatever one might call them. Particularly my younger Avalon, but any twinned thus. Carl had filled the gas-tank for me, as a sort of good wish for the journey.
In the dream I stopped at a barrier and looked at a map to see how to go around it. Then I looked up to see a man tapping at the window of my car, and would have shrieked were I not myself. Then I realized in the dream that the man tapping was San, and I let him into the car. We agreed to go and seek those others together, behind the barrier, and set off to drive around it.
The sense was of hurry, to get the children before the destruction, but also that for me there was an easy place of safety. I did not feel a threat to myself in it. But for the children, yes, and that was a great deal of fear.
In the dream it also was not bad between San and myself. A little awkward but we were united for the children, and he had knowledge of the back roads and I had the car. It was not unpleasant. I asked why the children were not with him and he said he had wished to bring them to safety but could not alone, so he had come to look for help, and was surprised to find me.
Then in the dream Mikael called me on the cell phone, so I was speaking with him about whether I was prepared with food and space in the car for the children. (There would not have been, but in the dream it was enough.) He knew them all by name and had a thought for what each would require. I told him a few things such as lovers might and then hung up the phone. It did not bother San in the dream, which was well.
Then in my dream we arrived at San’s home and it had been taken over by a sort of feral animal like monkeys, who were attacking some in his system. He was torn and I told him to go aid them and I would fetch the children, since I had a good plan of Mikael’s. I did and they came in the car. Then San returned, bloodied but unbowed, and asked if he might come with us. I said yes, of course, you are their father. And so then we drove very fast along highways and such.
The sense of it was the unification for the children, and that I had many aids, much love at my back and good counsel, and even the aid of their father. And beneath another sense, perhaps, of the plague just missed. We had not yet made it safely.
I woke with that sense of peace, at the aid, but then as it turned fully to awake, the aching loss for children I have both deeply known and scarce known. I write this in part because even though I do not often say it aloud, I miss them. Of course; I am their mother. I will never cease to miss them.