My beloved archangel said recently that he believes me. About the past and the ritual; fire and all the rest.
It has been a long time since I was believed and I am not certain what to make of it. I believe myself, but it is quiet in the dead of night, when no one else does. In this way I may place a barrier between the past and present; to enjoy all my children, sons of flesh and so on, without concerning myself overmuch of their eventual fate. But to be believed, it brings the question to the day.
I feel torn asunder in many ways of late. I mourn and yet I am joyful; my children amuse me even as they make themselves strangers; I turn the knife to a new-sprung willow branch. I live in a church renovated.
I have been considering the aspect of being a whore, apart from the sacred. It will be difficult for those who read whore as a victim to understand but for me it is not thus. And yet in the way that San left me in this year, twice, once pregnant and once with a date for that evening and dinner to plan, I have come to understand that while at turns he called, at at times treated me as, wife, soulmate, beloved, queen, to this also we add whore: a child’s play-thing, to be taken up or discarded at will.
There was no courtesy whatsoever spared for me: Not a thank you or a mention of love. And for what? Because the warrior queen divorced Lohr, an action he agreed was good, and then emailed him a joke of alimony.
That is worse use than there was before, for at least then it was in a religious vein, if there is to be belief. And this tears as well. I have followed a bridge to find it faulty, and yet it got me to the other side. It is all very strange.
The end was not the whole truth, but it is a part of the truth. And indeed, the end shows part of the dance: Whatever San did was to his mind necessary, but mine deluded.
So when Mikael speaks thus, I feel beyond myself. I think for now I believe only in this moment and the next. And at that my daughter pokes me and has things she wishes me to do for her. Well, one never regrets the children.