I am not certain how to express the next, from the posts before. I am unused to explaining myself and yet with all that has occurred this year and accusations and such I am aware once again that to write only at the nadir and to leave it thus is to build a wall of stone with no mortar. The stone is a better tale, but with gaps between it, it does not hold on its own.
In any case, I felt trapped in what was asked of me. And so many, Mikael and David and Jeanne, as well as my elder children, have come together to find another way, one which traps no one, or at least no one who wishes not to be trapped. It is a large joy, strange as it is, to have other talents and minds willing to step into this with us. Not ritual as the past, but ritual to correct some of what has gone awry, since Li’s system tore the children’s world asunder as well as my own. Not that Maelynn’s death is solely their doing; it was my decision.
But it is true, in having children at all I believed that to have two parents meant that if one stumbled, the other would catch. Since twice now my children have been told not to contact, this leaves them only with the one, and my own failings magnified. With Aden, he bears the brunt of loss just now. I am grateful to those who aid.