I am alahai, the chief among them. There are many meanings to this word, but the one that I hold closest to me, the first role, is what is called out here sacred whore. I am not certain what images this brings to other minds. To me, it has primarily meant not just to endure, that is the whore, but to delight. That is the sacred. Some out here would say to sit and admire God’s creation, that is a sacred moment. This is the same, but very different. To sit and admire desecration.
But now I am also a mother, several times over. I thought to teach Avalon how to not just endure, but this first, but also to delight. I wished for her, in other words, the same capabilities. At the same time I had agreed to raise her with San in the light. So I was often torn, but it was torn because I could not see how to endow her with my abilities given the constraints of our agreement. And yet I followed San in it, step by step. To consider desecration not a thing of – rightness; I still see the beauty in it.
Now I am able to say yes, I prefer for my daughter other things. Although I am not sorry she is Lynn, I do sorrow that I inflicted some of the same on her. I would not turn her over for more lessons such as I learned. I am glad instead that she loves David, who struggles not to teach thus. What is more I have agreed to step between if need be.
The difficulty is, it makes me question myself. Many say to the warrior queen on her blog, do not return to a system which has belittled and raged and abandoned. If my daughter were to experience thus, I would tell her to find another, because there is no need for her to delight in desecration. I think. But what if she told me she loved the one, and he her? What if she told me she understood the reasons for it? What if she told me she knew that she was made for it? What if she told me she had taken sacred vows, to be thus; to be married to such?
Would I say, all right then, you are right?
This tears at the heart of myself.