San and I celebrated our anniversary at slightly different times, but always about this time or earlier.

I still miss him and I still love him. But even I believe if he would not come for our children, there is no hope that he will come for me. So I did not look for him in it.

If there is any hope, I suppose it is time. Although I cannot think what his system has done to him to permit all this separation and cruelty, if there is one thing I have learned in the last 9 months, it is that some in his system have untapped depths of it, and a capacity to hear, find, and deliver odd insults even where none existed before. The warrior queen says they spit on our love as inadequate, and I think it is even more: they spit on those who felt it. Likely they paint the windows very black. Also, most of their friends are childless, other than relations; those with children offended them long ago. So there is none to advise him, as he so well advised me. But San had his own mind and heart, and I will hope he preserves them in the face of the genealogical age for his system.

I will continue from time to time to recall the man I knew; a man who taught me comfort, and joy, and to be present for our children, and to see them as people and not as functionaries within a religion. Also a man who carried burdens, wept and required comfort, who enjoyed to eat together and to dance a slow dance before the fire.

Perhaps he was a myth. Even so, the person he was to me was considerable, and I miss him, and I will wait to find out, at least for a while longer. The warrior queen’s prince felt that she shut the door; not barred, but closed. And it is so; I feel it as well. But it is not mine.

As for the children, San, they continue to do remarkably well given the circumstances, as some here would put it. Ahren explores some interest in human nature, Avalon you know or may read in her own words, Anala is a little angry, and she explodes easily at any slight, stomping and shrieking, but she also learns to read and creates elaborate stories with her dolls and such. Lark and Whimsy have become her playmates. And Asher is near to walking now.


About Jenn

Find me on Twitter @JennGruden
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