When I write “my once-perhaps husband” it is painful, this day, as it was yesterday. It is because of this dream, which haunts me still – I am able to almost taste it, over a day after waking from it.
I wonder about these vows. Consort, husband. Soulmate and beloved were not vows but descriptors. But the other two were. I wonder why it is they meant so little, or whether in the end it will be proven they meant much.
For now I sit with that they meant little.
It used to infuriate San if he thought I was implying that he was weak, which I never was once we discussed whatever it was further. But now I wonder a little if there was some initial flaw, which he knew and I did not sense. Perhaps it infuriated him to think I thought so because those were the moments he would have broken vows, although many of them came before them. I am not certain.
It casts a new light on other things. Perhaps one reason he and others did not fully understand why we support this marriage is that he did not perceive marriage vows in the same way. I knew, of course, that they were divorced. But the abuse they suffered in their marriage was, I think, sufficient breakage on its own merits.
Of course there are those who would say that some of my proclivities run to abuse, and for certain there is a case to be made for it, in certain lights. But the same is true for San, and it was my understanding that we accepted these madnesses in each other provided the hearts remained true, that comfort was given, and efforts made when asked.
I do know that there is a difference between breaking vows, and exiting them. Had he asked me to release him, of course I would have. Unlike some I have taken, they were not the sort to imprison a soul. But if unasked, what steps do I take? For now, none. But it weighs. It weighs not because there is some decision to be made, just yet. It weighs because if he does not consider it necessary, then he does not take them as truly made, and this casts so many hours into an ill light.
Where I make vows, they are made.
Ah, it is my pride: I do not like to be deceived. And for so long. And what am I to tell our children? Although thus far, they are very careful not to ask.
In any case, all this is to say I do not know the status of our marriage, and that he does not discuss it is one difficulty.