Ah it is Avalon’s birthday. By fortunate, or unfortunate coincidence, we attended a party almost exactly like those we used to have with San and his system: Everyone, mostly relations, out in a park on the grass, with a table of food, gifts, and cake. This party was for a small girl of a long time – nearly 30 years – friend. Our sons and she and her sister have grown up visiting each other. The party involved water guns, watermelon, salad, chicken, and cake. And other things brought by others, for it was the sort of event where all lend a hand and bring something.
It was good. I watched my daughter carefully, for in the morning she was a little mournful. For San, for the way we used to live. She began an email to him. She has emailed perhaps three times, from her own address. But there has been no answer. And this time, she deleted the email unsent. She says she knows he does not wish to know, or he would answer her. And if he does not care to know then she will not tell him.
But in the afternoon, she seemed to enjoy the party. It was familiar. And having a baby is good; it gives an excuse to go and sit a little way, under a tree, and breathe.
She has found other young ones online with whom to discuss these things and it is good. I laughed a little, because she also found someone called Legion, who seems multiple. (Not ours.) Ah we all find each other in the dark, somehow.
She remains liminal: Poised between light and dark, child and woman, closed and open. But she has found both interest and fellow-travelers. She does well. I am proud to have such a daughter. I learn from her daily, even as I teach her.
It may be arrogant but I think her special. All my children are and it is no insult to them. She risks just now, in the face of such loss. It is large.