There is strength to spare in my world: Magdalena is fully returned to us, sorrowful perhaps but unwavering and more bilingual in the ways of the light than ever was thought possible. The warrior queen, while we will never see eye to eye on certain things, when she joins forces with me is a powerful ally (although I do not forget she is the same set against me).

And Avalon, though young and unstable, also finds her strength. I am glad to say she is better today, for all the spiral yesterday. We will remember that she spirals like San. As Magdalena’s heir she grows daily, and her brother as well though he remains more in the shadows – San’s heir, with a kingdom lost to him just now.

It was years ago, but at this time of year that I struck the bargain with the princess of lies (this therapist) and the warrior queen, to cease to kill my own and instead to allow their cries to echo and their voices to be heard. I have not, it is true, always kept to this bargain. Perhaps the ninety-five per cent of it. But what I thought was weakness has become a part of this strength: It is less brittle, and less narrow. They say if one has a hammer, all looks as though a nail. Now I have other strengths and so I read the nuances of situations.

I am sad for Sassy, and her little insults. It is clear she lives the life she wishes, and that is something to be respected for what it is. And yet I cannot help but think she has chosen the narrows rather than the expanses. I see similarities in her choices to the way I chose, once, and I recall why it is I did. If it were not my husbands and consorts, beloveds and cara mia who were removed, I would not judge. As it is, I judge the least possible. But I sorrow.

Wherever San, and Lohr and Lore and Li, Lian and Morne and Moon, Quin and Asa and Laen, Tisan and Liskin and Ai’iru and the rest have gone, I wish them well and a little strength.

Cara mia, I cannot understand your continued silence, but if you return to read this of course you will know the little signposts are from me. Whatever Sassy thinks or does, it is not between us. Only that taces, consentire.


About Jenn

Find me on Twitter @JennGruden
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