I have considered the Bob Marley quote this day, and the context of my beloved.
(In Lynn, although it is rarely done, one may put a noun in the past and retire it. There is a word which means something like naive/fresh snow/sugar on the tongue, xatta. If one named it xattal it would mean the same-but-never-again. Sometimes I wonder if I should use instead a word like belovedel. But I am not ready to name it thus. Although all the external signs say it is a divorce, something in me — likely my own foolish heart — says to leave it be, even as I go forward. It is not as though I am opposed to polygamy should it ever become a concern. And one may add the suffix at any time.)
There is no question of San’s worth. Even in this ending, although I do not pretend to understand it.
But the suffering and the choice, I wonder. I have chosen suffering many times. I have chosen to live, which is its own sort. I chose to break our silence, among others. I chose to discuss things with Anna which disturbed my serenity. I have chosen to love again and again. I have made many of the opposite choices. And I chose to walk this path with San to try to understand his ways of light. This last march was difficult, up to the crumbling and then it was merely frantic. It is always so, with epic journeys. The darkest time before the dawn and all this.
In the dark, of course, the darkest time is merely the darkest time to date, and one either embraces it and waits for the next, or not. This journey of the light may be the same in the end; circular.
I admit, this suffering of alone, this I did not choose. I am a fool, but I truly believed that was our pact. However, I am not certain one may, despite the words of Bob Marley, ever choose a relationship without such a possibility. Still, I thought I had.
So I would add, one may choose who one suffers for, but one never has all the required information.
As Lynn has thought about Li, so I think about San that is is a great pain to consider he simply does not want me. Ah well, I imagine it is a good lesson.
I still leave the sword. I still have the vision of it strongly. If it makes me a madwoman, why then nothing has changed.