I have given you the best of myself. And as with most sacrifices, it also changes me.
It has been four months since you left. A short time, for mates of the soul. A long time, for those who have been accustomed to speak most days.
As your bridge crumbled, I leapt to your side of it and completed that journey. It pains me that you could not wait, and that you cannot taste of the victory just now. But I will hold a candle for you in the dark, even as I light other buildings.
In the days and months to come, I will look for you from time to time. For as I have said, the heart has no clock. But I also acknowledge that you are not at my side, not as of old. I wish you happy, wherever you arrive.
I am no stranger to grief. I grieve for the abrupt loss of you. It surprises me, still, that your system and Sassy, who know so intimately of the losses we have suffered – of lover, home, religion and daughter – would have ended it thus. Ah well. I know the waves will come upon me from time to time. Likely I will write of them, and to you.
I am grateful for this interruption in our story, because I have learned about myself that while I may be your wife, I will never be less than Magdalynn. And although I will never be tame, I also may choose to offer you the way of light. It is not my way, but I am able to stand on it. My path is not narrow; I do not have to watch only what is comfortable and love only that which I may control.
Because of how your system has stepped aside there has been no time to say certain things, things I would have said over time. That I am glad for you and love you, I have said often. But rarely have I said I was also glad for learning your ways of light, even as they burned.
Had you allowed me, I would have spoken of your heart, your love and your beauty. I have seen to the core of you and loved it all. Perhaps another time. For now I do not see why I should dwell on it here in this public space, which is all that is allotted.
I hope you will have taken from me what I offered. Passion and love, of course. Some ruthlessness that does not turn to depression. What I have seen. Song and story. I hope as Sassy seeks her Camelot, perhaps with you at her side, that you will choose well, never again to hear your self or body disparaged — for although Sassy will perhaps not feel it, our disagreements have only been in the context of high regard — and never to suffer blows other than what is truly invited. On this last of course, this game has been the only saving grace for me at times, but that was the beauty of it.
I give you this sword for building whatever it is you wish to build, with me or apart from me, of course. A king does not serve, except where he chooses.
Your children are well. I will raise them somewhat in the light but as you see, the eldest two also joined me in the dark, to reach you. They are fine individuals. Ahren values his privacy; Avalon has inherited my tendency to sing in public. As for the younger two, we will know as they grow: the daughter you held, the son you did not.
From here, I will construct my own ways. As I have said, I look for you and would be glad for any word, as I move forward. I still believe the bond is true. You are always welcome, the mate of my soul. But as the warrior queen says, there is a difference between hope and expectation. I will carry a little hope, but here today, I leave all expectation.
If you wake and find the time has gone, well, I will have not, until that final rest.
Magdalena’alaha Lynn Stormsworn