He asks if he may hold Asher. I am not certain. San has not held Asher; is it unacceptable then for him to be held by another man? After all, he is not a duckling to imprint on the first who comes near.
As for San, I wonder what it is that contains him. Perhaps it is dislike of me, although I am skeptical because of Asher. Perhaps Lohr encases him in ice, or Telein in stone. Perhaps he is dead. Perhaps I merely have blunt perceptions.
Perhaps it is merely a decision, to leave his wife and Queen. (Former wife, former queen?) When he spoke of being Consort for life, I took him at his word, that his loyalty would lie with me. But it seems it does not. Sassy would perhaps say this is painting myself the victim, if she permitted herself to read, but this is one of her blacks and whites.
I am alahai; I am no victim. I am fierce and strong. I am thus in part because I permit myself to feel and consider these things rather than deny them.
I believed San’s oaths, and now it wounds that he breaks them. I wish to reconcile, because I took them as well. I am unrepentant in taking these things seriously and allowing myself to feel the blows.
Whatever San does, it is I who must decide how to proceed. It is difficult to know what should be reserved. Asher is so young, every set of arms is the same. And Avalon speaks already. It seems a simple request, so why deny it? And yet, today the warrior queen had a conversation with a friend about another’s divorce, and how the husband takes the children to Disneyworld with the new girlfriend. It seems this may be harmful.
I am newly respectful of the warrior queen. For all that she does, she has only rarely stood between us and those we love, and never for more than a day or two. She has risked her marriage to this husband for Lyria and for myself. She has defended without protecting us from certain consequences.
Her strength of will is almost equal to ours, and that is a large compliment.
Of course, she is still water to our oil. Or oil to our water, if we are ice water on a steamy warm day.