He asks

He asks if he may hold Asher. I am not certain. San has not held Asher; is it unacceptable then for him to be held by another man? After all, he is not a duckling to imprint on the first who comes near.

As for San, I wonder what it is that contains him. Perhaps it is dislike of me, although I am skeptical because of Asher. Perhaps Lohr encases him in ice, or Telein in stone. Perhaps he is dead. Perhaps I merely have blunt perceptions.

Perhaps it is merely a decision, to leave his wife and Queen. (Former wife, former queen?) When he spoke of being Consort for life, I took him at his word, that his loyalty would lie with me. But it seems it does not. Sassy would perhaps say this is painting myself the victim, if she permitted herself to read, but this is one of her blacks and whites.

I am alahai; I am no victim. I am fierce and strong. I am thus in part because I permit myself to feel and consider these things rather than deny them.

I believed San’s oaths, and now it wounds that he breaks them. I wish to reconcile, because I took them as well. I am unrepentant in taking these things seriously and allowing myself to feel the blows.

Whatever San does, it is I who must decide how to proceed. It is difficult to know what should be reserved. Asher is so young, every set of arms is the same. And Avalon speaks already. It seems a simple request, so why deny it? And yet, today the warrior queen had a conversation with a friend about another’s divorce, and how the husband takes the children to Disneyworld with the new girlfriend. It seems this may be harmful.

I am newly respectful of the warrior queen. For all that she does, she has only rarely stood between us and those we love, and never for more than a day or two. She has risked her marriage to this husband for Lyria and for myself. She has defended without protecting us from certain consequences.

Her strength of will is almost equal to ours, and that is a large compliment.

Of course, she is still water to our oil. Or oil to our water, if we are ice water on a steamy warm day.


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4 Responses to He asks

  1. sarah says:

    Same old sarah, new addy! anyway…
    I think its fine if a friend (even a new lover) holds your son as long as the friend understands it is not being offered as a means of bonding to further a relationship on. (does that make sense?). Divorce surely can be messy and harmful to children if the parents allow that to happen. I think discussing the roles of new people in a child’s life is extremely important both to the parents and the children. I know of many divorces where the parents remained in constant and close contact, discussed not only the roles but what names the step-parents would be called, etc. My own nephew has (has had now for 25 years) 2 “dads”. The bio one he always called daddy and the step-father he called dad/and a nickname.

    I realize these kinds of things are hard right now as I assume there is still not even written communication between yourself and San. Thats so sad.

    • lynnsappho says:

      Thank you Sarah. I appreciate the thought and experience. Is the reason to avoid expectation of a bond in case of leaving?

      There is no communication with San. His system, or he, has gone to some length to ensure it. It is one reason I put such matters here, that if he should be restrained and if he should escape such shackles, he will have a record. ML.

  2. sarah says:

    Hi Yes, it is to protect the child in case the friend/lover should leave. especiallly if the child is very young and does not have the capability of understanding that leaving does happen sometimes. As i am sure you know, children often feel guilty when a parent/friend leaves their life. I know the “experts” (those with no children bug me) say to make sure the new relationship is going to be strong, productive and lasting (as best one can in such situations) before introducing the children.
    But in the case of an infant I just don’t see how harm could be done in the simple act of holding/cuddling. Could also be an opportunity for you to see how the friend reacts to young children (if you don’t already know).

    • lynnsappho says:

      I will keep it in the mind. I had not thought of the guilt. I think the older children aware that even if San denies them (and I am not certain he does) that they are not at fault. Thank you. MLS.

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