GRA: Find me somebody to love

Dear Lynn,
I recently ended a long-term relationship and now I’m about to date again. What should I know about the dating scene? How can I find the person that’s right for me?
Find Me Somebody To Love

Dear Somebody,
I am not certain I am the right individual to answer your question. I often acquire my lovers by opening doors to crypts and seeing which corpses might be called to life, or by leaving my window ajar for denizens of the night who would consider me prey – until they find themselves in my web. You could try this, although it takes some years of practice in necromancy and entrapment.

But since you have written to me I will attempt to advise you even though it is most likely you lack the years of study to follow my method. We will have to consider another.

First, I suggest you consider what it is that is dear to your heart. If you like to flirt with madness you will have to seek love in an asylum. If you prefer to share a killing spree you might look to your local parole office or dental school. (I have also heard security a good business.) In exploring your interests as a romantic hunting ground you are likely to find someone compatible.

Then you will have to give signals that you are truly interested. Do not look as though you are half dead; smile at others. Not only do many find this attractive, it gives the idea that you are either innocent or happy and in each case you may look forward to the pleasure of stripping the illusion.

You will also have to carry yourself with confidence, unless you enjoy either submission or you enjoy being a patient. For those who are attracted to brokenness either wish to heal (and thus, make themselves into a healer) or to dominate. If you enjoy such a dance it is fine, but if you truly seek a romance of equals, set out to behave as an equal from the start.

Once you have made contact, take care that your conversation is light to begin. Do not explain, whatever the temptation, all the sins of your past lovers. No one enjoys a morality play at the first date. There is always time in the future to carve your past wounds into the fresh skin of a new love.

Finally, never settle. I have always insisted on the very best lovers. In this way even if the romance fades you will not regret the time, in the way that one does not regret a fine wine even when the bottle is empty. A poor wine leaves the wallet lighter and a headache, but no worthwhile tastes on the tongue. If you sip at a glass and it does not strike you as the very finest, do not waste the hangover on it.

If you truly wish me to find you someone to love, I am afraid I do not provide this service. But there are organizations that traffic in human slavery and you might begin there, for what better lover than one who arrives half-starved and eager to please? Of course, if anyone wishes to offer themselves up they may write to me and I will pass along the information.



About Jenn

Find me on Twitter @JennGruden
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