Child of the flesh and mate of the soul

When our first son of the flesh was born and I posted about it to a mailing list, I recall that people took offense that he was called thus. So I wish to explain that it is not an insult to call him thus. It is a way to show that he is mine, but also ours, and to honour the biology that brings him.

So, our second son of the flesh is born. It was a brutal birthing. He was facing such that the largest part of his skull had to pass through the pelvis, and we had no drugs to mitigate the pain. The poor child is bruised the length of his skull and forehead; our bones met a long time. But it makes him no less beautiful and of course he is.

It is strange to not have Li or San to speak with a little on this, if not in prose then in poetry. Sassy has spoken of drama, macaroni as she used to call it. I suppose it might be thus that we would express it. I thought it a mutual pursuit, heart-understood and somewhat magical. It seems she calls it annoyance. I am at turns angry, for have we not supported her in such times, and mourning.

This birthing was a time of remembered pain, but I think we cannot speak on this just now.

It is odd, to be joyful and mourning at once. Just now this son sleeps on my chest as I type, for he was early and has difficulty in keeping mother’s milk in his belly. So he must be held upright a while after each feeding. He is warm and he makes soft sounds from time to time. He is very small and yet his presence is large already.

But to sit with him gives time to think on what has been lost, so there are tears as well.

I understand the annoyance with drama. But I think on the root of drama, the stage; where human truth comes to life a little larger. And while I mourn for us, I mourn also for Sassy and Li and San, if they cannot find the room to permit this also in their lives. I hope it to be with us. But if not, with someone.

I wonder, when they called us soulmates, was it a lie? Is now the lie? Or is it all truth and we will find each other again?

For although there is much pleasure in the small and the ordinary, there is also a fierce fire within that aches to break the bonds of the calm, the routine. It is true perhaps that we had become complacent of it; I would correct that.


About Jenn

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2 Responses to Child of the flesh and mate of the soul

  1. sarah says:

    Congratulations to all of you on the birth of Liam! (love the name!).
    I can understand the pain in not being able to share this joyful gift with those you loved so long (and still do).
    I think a lot of long term relationships get to the point of “routine comfortableness” (sorry, so not a wordsmith!) and it can become almost easy to miss that one or the other feels something lacking. Yet, I think its important for whichever individual is feeling that lacking to speak up. I realize, of course, that its not that easy or simple. I know alot of people expect the others involved to just “know” something isn’t right, but rare is it those who can read another’s mind.
    For me, the worst of such a situation, is that if one needs to move on, change then do so, but not without some communication along the way. To drastically cut the avenues of communication is, well, to me, just very wrong.
    I hope you all find much peace soon (but doubtful much quiet with a new babe!).

  2. lynnsappho says:

    Thank you Sarah.

    I find it painful but I am not certain of wrong. Like Magdalena, I think Sassy must have been suffering more than was said. I am not certain about Lohr.

    There were arguments between some, so it is not without any indication whatever, but I did not think between Li and myself and San and Magdalynn and so on that there were these problems. Also for many years we have argued at times, and come together again. I still hope this will be the result.

    And yes, there is little quiet but I do not mind it. I like the still nights, so I wake with the child at those times.

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