I’ve been married for 4 years to a great guy. We’re best friends as well as lovers. The trouble is whenever I bring up things that are bothering me he doesn’t seem to get it. The main one is that I really, really want to move. I hate it here. I can’t get the job I want here. I haven’t made friends here. There’s nothing to do here (small town vs. big city). He, on the other hand, loves his job, doesn’t mind the lack of friends, doesn’t seem to miss the cultural things we used to do – and even though he seems to listen I just don’t think he gets it. I’m starting to feel desperate about it. What should I do?
signed, Can’t go on living here
Dear Can’t Go On Living Here,
If you have spent time torturing individuals you have already learned that many have differing tolerance levels for pain and also for fear and psychological games. Some physically strong individuals will die under a lesser torture than physically weak individuals. Some will resist much longer than one gives credit for while others succumb quickly.
This is why a good torturer remains alert and flexible to each individual, staying present in each moment to gauge the results. Unless of course, it is merely for his or her own pleasure (and he or she does not mind an abrupt ending) in which case…ah, but that is not relevant.
In the same way I suspect that your husband has more tolerance for his situation than you. It might be merely about the job in which case I would encourage you to find something, paid or no, in which to find meaning as a correction. But it seems to me that the trouble is deeper than this; it is that he truly cannot understand why it is you are deeply unhappy.
This may be a lack in his care but more likely it is a lack in his perceptions. Because he is adaptable in this case, he hears your complaints as more minor than they are for you. This is something which has the potential to end your marriage and one you must take seriously.
If you cease to communicate with him about this, it will likely fester. And yet it is natural that you would cease, because he seems not to listen.
I think you should take an opportunity to drug and handcuff him to some furniture and then indulge in a little torture until his perceptions are sharpened. (Take care that you do not go too far in case he is one who dies suddenly.) Then you may say, this is how living here is for me. I prefer to torture you than to have you misunderstand this.
Another alternative is to lock him in the attic for a few months for the same lesson. Of course this may present difficulties in your income, but then he will not have a reason to stay, so it is worth your consideration.
Then, I am not certain whether you will move or no. After all, even with corrected perceptions he may still be set on this course. But at the least you will have had the opportunity to come to an understanding.
Of course you have said you cannot go on living there. So you could consider becoming one of the undead instead. I recommend vampire, as zombies are stupid and short-lived, and most other paths take years to accomplish.
The advantage is that you will die and he will bury you and thus he will experience true regret at your passing and fully perceive the loss of you, yet you will rise again and may see him. The disadvantage is that you may accidentally kill him out of blood lust, will not enjoy garlic, will not be able to cross thresholds without invitation nor visit any Christian site, and of course you will have given up your immortal soul.