I have decided to keep San’s child. And I will name him as we determined as well, with its meaning of the light.
Perhaps he will grow without much knowledge of his father, in which case he will at least know what I remember of him.
I cannot say I understand this separation, whether it is permanent or no, why it is they do not respond or would not discuss it. They have not asked us to cease anything. Of course to ask would be to break silence. Since I cannot know, I go with my inclination to leave white stones in the forest.
I do know that San loves me. Some might say it is delusional to think so, and mock me. I do not like to be mocked so it is difficult to write here but I have thought on it.
I have looked into our past together, and I have looked into my own before. I have thought on love. I have thought on Lyria, who first brought us the other sort of love.
And I believe it. San loves me, and I love him. I explain this only for the readers. San will know what it means, to keep the child. Even with this silence, this separation, this rending of the fabric we have woven.
Consort, husband, soulmate, beloved.
If he supports this, it must be required for his system. I imagine it is for Sassy, even though she has said many times in the past months that she has not been depressed and such.
But I love her as well and have learned it is not always required to understand to love.
It is however required to listen, and I think there are several that have not listened well of late and I am one of them. I regret it. I apologize for it. If any words should come, I will listen.
In the meantime I will see what this child whose name means happy, who is to be blessed with abundance, will bring. And what I will offer. It is difficult. Even to take a breath is painful. But I have decided.
Magdalena’alaha Lynn Stormsworn