In The Year of Magical Thinking Joan Didion discusses how she has irrational thoughts as she awaits her husband’s return, even though he has died. It is a good book on true grief, the sort left by death.
Today we had a parcel that awaited us and I confess I thought perhaps San had found a way to send Magdalynn a message. It seems impossible he would leave her with child and make no contact, when they were not arguing.
But of course it was nothing related. It demonstrates the ills of hope, the disordered thought that comes of unexpected turns of events. The difficulty of this lack of contact or explanation.
It also demonstrates what an odd thing it is, a relationship. One comes to expect certain things, certain courtesies. But they are easily withdrawn.
By tomorrow midnight we will have chosen a path for her. She still does not speak. But I think I know what is best.