I wish to know

If you read, I invite you to comment if you have thoughts. I am ill-versed in these things. There is no need for a true name or true email if you wish to remain anonymous.

I wish to know what you have learned if you have been left. Did you reconcile? Did you regret more leaving things unsaid, or saying too much?

As I have said, these things are foreign to me. In a multiple system it is a little more complex as I cannot even be certain that any message will reach those for whom it is intended. Once I trusted this one, but just now I do not, not when there was no crisis between the most of us and yet this separation was imposed. And yet, Li and San signed it.

Still, I wonder what is the course of things for others. I am a prideful woman, but also passionate. I am capable to err on either side.

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9 Responses to I wish to know

  1. Jeanne says:

    I haven’t been left many times, but I think every time I did I erred on the side of pride. I usually explained it to myself by saying that I was respecting their wishes — after all, *they* were the ones who didn’t want me.

    The last time I was broken up with the guy who did it wanted me to go to dinner with him after delivering the news, because he wanted to hear about how my vacation had been. I was shocked and angry — how could he tell me he wanted to quit seeing me and then expect me to go eat with him? Either he wanted to see me & hear about my life, or he didn’t. (I still can’t figure out what he was thinking, and that was 8 years ago.)

    Hmn, did I regret leaving things unsaid? Not usually, because if I said the things it would be in the hopes of changing the other person’s behaviour or at least their emotional state, and I was pretty sure that wouldn’t happen, so it felt (and still feels) like it would have been pointless. I do daydream sometimes that I said what I wanted to say *and* that it worked, but saying what I wanted and having nothing happened would, for me, have sucked a lot worse than just walking away.

    I never thought of it as pride before, but that’s clearly what it is.

  2. sarah says:

    As a multiple the worst part of breakups was the unfairness of having one individual’s issues cause problems for the rest of the group. We would try hard to keep the break up issues centered only on those directly involved. Yet each time the effect would trickle down (or be domino falling like) and friendships between those not breaking up would suffer. Family loyalty would eventually enter into the picture and we’d have to stand by our “own”, whether they were in the right or not. Keeping the peace.

    As to not saying something and regretting-I think its almost impossible to not say something out of pain/sadness that is regretted later. I think its cowardly to not give each other the time to say what they need to say and to hear what they might not want to hear. If someone who proclaims they love me and then out of the blue wants to break up then they need to be grown up enough to say it to my face and to stand there and hear what I need to say in response.

    Yes, I’ve regretted not saying some things because it just builds up inside, doing more harm to myself than it could possibly harm the other person having to hear it. (does that make sense? not a write so words are hard for me).

    • lynnsappho says:

      Thank you. I will think on this. I think it not always cowardly for it may be kind, but it is difficult to not speak.

    • Jeanne says:

      Sarah, the last part of what you said was something I was thinking about also — the way that being silent means that I obsess over what I might have said or could have said. Which is probably why so many years later I can still slide back into the moment of that break-up and the guy asking me to go to dinner and I get angry and frustrated *all over again* and want to explain to him why he’s being an idiot.

      Writing it all out (or talking it all out with a friend or something) seems like a good way to get it out.

  3. Tyler says:

    We left after 17 years. Actuually we left three years before but the physcical leaving was past April.

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