In my world

There is no divorce. Only death. There is no disloyalty without recrimination.

My first lover would laugh. Likely he does laugh from beyond the grave. It would delight him that this is how it ends. He would note how weak and soft I had become, to give and receive this comfort, now no longer available. To have children, which in our language is synonymous with “becoming a cow.” Cow also being synonymous with “that which is eaten.”

He would look at what I have written and be angry, I think, at its mundane nature. Then he would either lock me away in disgust to consider better things. Or he would take me by my hair to the altar and show me what real pain is. Or a lesson such as Magdalena was taught when she was fucked on top of the dead dog.

It is strange to write such things so bluntly. But there it is; I have become increasingly fluent in the English of the light. He left as well, in death. He had said he would not die. But he did. Likely we will meet again, but not for long, for I have betrayed much and still do with these words.

You see it is complex, leaving. Betrayal. Belief.

It is tiring to think of such things alone. Once I reveled in the dances of our woods and the singing of our songs to each other alone. But now I am used to the soft bed and the petting.


About Jenn

Find me on Twitter @JennGruden
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9 Responses to In my world

  1. Lin says:

    I feel you so strongly and I want to say something but I don’t know what to say, after so long. But I am glad to read yours words again after all this forever time.

    • lynnsappho says:

      I am glad to read yours.

      • Lin says:

        Then I will keep on with this writing. There must be a way out of this maze I am – I do not ask you to be the thread – but your voice is a strong call.

        And my other half says to you that:

        If it would please you, my lady dear, I would kill those who have betrayed you, and yet I know you are capable of doing whatever it is that you wish would be done. But I tell you so you know.

  2. lynnsappho says:

    Ah ruthless as ever. No, I would not have them killed but I thank you.

    I would be the thread, if you like.

    • Lin says:

      You are quite welcome; it’s a pleasure to have the chance to make the offer and know it will be understood.

      (One might — he does — say that it is an easy offer to make, when I am here and in this body, and they are who-knows-where. But he mocks me to mock, my dark twin, and I laugh to let him.)

      He will post his own message. He says I have filled this one.

  3. Lin says:

    A thread, a threat, a voice, a call…

    The time seems out of joint, when you are about to dive into motherhood again. I think, “I should wait. Be calm. Be patient.”

    But I am not calm nor patient, and you are the thread right now, and so I walk towards you. When your time changes, then I will be patient for you. I have ridden the wave, I know what it was, is, can be like. But for now, I walk.

  4. lynnsappho says:

    It is easier for us, I think, being women. But yes, comes the night that is day that is night at all hours and the 2 hours of sleep for one, feed for 45, diaper and walk for 15. I will be glad for the patience, but I will also find the time.

    • Lin says:

      I think others are working out how and where, but if you tell me how to find you I will come.

      I walked towards you last night but it has been a long time since I travelled and the way was cold and the flakes of snow were like shards of metal, and then Jeanne pulled me back without meaning to and we had an entertaining argument about the meaning of the word ‘anchor’ before she fell asleep.

    • Lin says:

      Be well, be well, be well. That is what I am thinking over and over again.

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