Perhaps it is not so cruel to say so after all.
I am surprised to find it, but it is. Lyria has been sad, and uncertain what to do with the drawings she was preparing, and wishing she had recorded some information before it was removed.
But for myself I feel alive. This is not to say I did not feel alive, before. But I feel how I am still myself, no quarter given. Of course, I would never lose a quarter of myself. I give you all, particularly time, but that is different from the loss of it. Perhaps a tenth I would be willing to lock away. I have conceded that much, even if just now it seems it was ill given. Perhaps today I realized I hold the key in any case.
I feel I will love again. Not for a time, for there is much to do and think and anneal. And then it will be difficult. But I will. I have never permitted loss to stop love.
I realize to most people, it is not very real, to love only over the Internet; to have children of the spirit and not the flesh. Not that I will have them again, I think; that was a gift of the magi…if the magi, years later, squabbled about the true value of them.
But to me it is close to the heart. It was easier when this internet was younger, for those who came first were pioneers, with a certain flexibility of mind.
Wanted, a year hence: Internet loves. Must tolerate our commitments of the flesh. Should enjoy speaking of the underbelly of life, and violent fantasy. Long walks on the beach unnecessary. In return, a passionate woman who is passionate women. She offers an ear for any tale, a desire to truly know you, a capacity to hold her tongue and more loyalty than is common.
If you are reading the songs, they are not in a very good order. If you have never read any, those we prefer for the most part are here.
We stopped the songs around when our daughter died. Perhaps it will come again. I have attempted at times to record what it is to parent, but never so well as I would like.